A little lost, but you know, that's ok

My goal: For the year and for life

I love this quote so much!

And this just warmed my little heart

I'm yearning to feel like this:

Side note: I love daisy's and the colour yellow =)

Yet somehow I feel myself feeling a little bit like this:

and definately like this:



I fear I may become a hermit. I feel that I need to get out more and party with my friends or I'll never get out of this. Yet I'm not sure if that will actually help.
Sometimes its better to feel. And then to move on.



Bascially, I'm still feeling pretty lost. But you know, that's ok.






Life is funny. It's weird to think I never used to feel like this. But to be honest I have felt like this rather a lot since I had my heart squashed. And you know what, that was actually quite some time ago now. The actual relationship feels like forever ago... yet this person keeps popping into my life. Making it harder for me, tearing at my heart and confusing my head. The relationship and the break-up feels like forever ago and I feel that I have changed so much since then. Yet it somehow still seems to pull at my heartstrings, and I don't like to think about it too much.


And this is on top of all the other confusion going on within my poor head.



I accidentally said the other day when I had my guard down, to someone that doesn't really know me at all.... maybe it felt safer that way. That I was secretly depressed. Now I don't actually think I'm depressed, I think I'm just struggling with the confusion of my life. The whirlwind of emotions I've been on.. for about the past 6 months really. But then a part of me wondered... it is a little bit like that. When I'm around others, I can't help but be happy, and I forget about the confusion, it's when I'm alone with my thoughts that things get tangled. But then sometimes I wonder... is it just a mask??


I started to wonder this when I came across this quote on someone's page: "She wears a smile and emotional bruises." Then I thought of another quote I once read... at the time I didn't quite understand. I don't remember it all but it ended with "Yea I'm smiling but inside I'm dying" and for some reason that always stuck with me.


That also brings me too the good old everyday question "How are you??" Working part time in retail and visiting other shop in my breaks or just generally shopping, the shop assistants always ask "Hi, how are you?". Generally perky and bubbly. Now working in retail, I know this is part of their job. And generally I don't care, but sometimes it just really annoys me. The expected answer as most would know is "Good thanks, how are you?". They don't really care. So why ask? I'm always tempted to respond with "horrible, thanks, but I'm surviving, how about you?" or just to burst out into tears.


(Note: Feeling this way, I don't ask customers how they are, simply may I help you? Or How are things today? - I find it more appropriate =p)


Most of the things in my past I'm fine with. In general I try not to regret things. With this person I sometimes wonder... if I could go back and change things, maybe I would. The thing is I can't. So where does that leave me? Moving on. Thats what. I turned down the chance to go back. I had been too hurt, it would hurt more to go back. Going back wasn't the same. It can never be the same.



So ultimately I chose to move on. Yet it is hard to see them also move on. But I feel it is right. If we hadn't broken up, I may never have gone to Paris, and had the time of my life! In a way, I am glad he freed me. I just don't like that he can still tear at my heart.


Thing is, I'm fairly confident that one day I will look back on all of this and smile. And maybe wonder why I wasted so much emotional energy. But you just don't know when that time will come.

I hope I'm not too scared too let my heart go through it again though. ..


So we carry on. and attempt to let go. and move on.

Ramble Over.

(Images delightfully discovered at www.weheartit.com)