Doh

I didn't think of you today.

Then I made the mistake of realising this.

And by realising this, I had just thought of you.

Please go away now because I'm so sure that I'm ready for new adventures.

Whoops.

Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once...

Leaving assignments to the last minute is not one of these.

Whoops.

Hopefully I've learnt my lesson this time (ha!) because that was just two weeks of way too much craziness and lack of sleep (from studying not partying?!)

Not fair

"I want you to be happy. I just want to be happy first".

- discovered on the cutest saddest website ever, www.dearoldlove.com

kinda what I'm feeling.

Why is it that I thought I was over you, until I saw you. and saw you with someone else.

Why is it that one person can ruin your day.

Then again, one person can completely make your day, so I guess it evens things out.

Your not going to ruin my day again.

Beauty in the Breakdown

drink up, baby down

mmm, are you in or are you out

leave your things behind

cause it's all going off without you

excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy

these mishaps you bubble wrap

when you've no idea what you're like

So, let go, let go

jump in

oh well, what you waiting for?

it's all right here

cause there's beauty in the breakdown

so, let go, let go

just get in

oh, it's so amazing here

it's all right,

cause there's beauty in the breakdown

- Frou Frou, Let Go

FML??

I feel like this..


I need some time...

I'm searching for and excited for this...

My sister told me today to stop saying FML.

I only ever said it as a joke, I don't obviously mean it, and sometimes it just feels so relevant.

She pointed out I had a great life and I had just come back from Paris.

Sometimes it's good to gain an outside perspective.

This week has been intense and next week looks to be just as bad. I've been stressed to the extreme and so caught up in the uni work. Sometimes you forget how great your own life is because you get caught up in the little things.

I appreciat this. But at the same time, sometimes they don't feel so little. And yes I know, I should remember that in general I do have a pretty great life and I just came back from an incredible experience (that is taking far longer to adjust that I ever imagined) but somewhere in my head, I am completely lost and confused like I never have been before. Sometimes I don't feel like I know who I am, sometimes it feels like I'm watching my own life from the sidelines. Napping has become the worst, I used to love it. I wake up and wonder what the hell am I doing?! I wake up and think of the ex. (why is he still stuck in my head?! I think its simply because some of these feelings are similiar to the way I felt when we broke up but still... its frustrating...)

I feel so alone.

I hate to feel this because I used to love being single.

I feel trapped between two worlds.

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear me, that no-one understands. But how can they, when even I don't understand.

The NZ me and the Paris me don't quite fit. I need to find a new me. And thats challenging... especially as there is so much going on at the moment.

I feel that I need and want some time out from the craziness of life in general just to find me.

I know I will feel better soon... I know some of this is just from stress... but sometimes its hard... hard waiting for the universe to send ya some love =p

(images found at www.weheartit.com)

Messed up priorities

Just a small note....

My week continued in mostly the happy way =p

But when emotions turned... it was very confusing. Damn those things can be very messy huh.

I loved that feeling though... happy simply because I was. Me all by myself.

However I have just noticed that I spent all of my uni break at work.. trying to clear my Paris debt as fast as possible, and I have made some great headway. Yet.. I did no uni work. And now I am incredibly overloaded. Honestly I will barely be sleeping in the next two weeks! Eek! How did I do this... AGAIN?! Haha
I don't seem to learn... but wheres the fun in that right?!

I simply kept procrastinating.. thinking I will do it later. Well later is now.
I think the thought of it being my last semester will get me through this though! (Yay!) because I'm getting a bit over this.

Life lesson I am continually learning: Stop procrastinating!!! Do whatever it is that needs to be done, or you want to put off now!



On a side note... I think maybe I have already been a bit tooo open with what I say on here... I know that no-one is reading and it has been amazing to unload... a small part of me is worried that someday someone I know will read this. So maybe I will just be a little bit more vague from now on.

Argh. Back to it I guess.
Have a happy week!

Oh happy day

Today was a HAPPY day!!!!

I have absolutely no idea why, but it was wonderful.

At the moment is mid-semester break and I have been working so much! I almost forgot about how much uni work I have to do. And let me tell you it's a lot. Its rather terrible. Today was my one day off and I spent it at uni.. trying to do some work. Still didn't get as much done as I should of.

So really, I should be super stressed. But I was just really happy.








I felt free. I realised I do have A LOT in my life. A lot of people who care about me.

Yes there is a certain person that still tugs on my heart strings... as much as I don't actually want to admit that. And yes it still hurts a little. But its getting easier and better.

Today I thought, I really believe things happen for a reason. I don't think we were 100% right for each other. And if I look at that situation now, I think maybe we also crossed paths at the wrong time... or maybe it was the right time... we both had some learning to do.

Simply put, he wasn't right for me. I probably wasn't right for him. He hurt me, so why would I want to go back there.

I feel hope.

I have read quite a few blogs today. Amazed by how well these girls write... and how they speak to my heart. They seem to put into words exactly how I feel. And they did so amazingly. It is incredible.

Though I may still be waiting for this moment:

"Memories do not scare me, anymore, you see -I've learned to remember without the fearof bittersweet nostalgia overwhelming my all."

But thats ok. I'm ok.

I feel like this girl:

I love that.

I got home this evening, to find a message from one of my amazing international friends.

Once again reminding me that in general.. I love life! It is an incredible thing, that too often we take for granted. I have some amazing friends and I had an amazing opportunity. It is still difficult to comprehend that I lived in PARIS for 6months. I met some truly wonderful, inspiring people. People that I won't forget, people that I hope will remain in my life for a very long time.

This completed my day. Of the simple wonderful things.

And whilst I realise I am at some kind of crossroad in my life. Feeling lost and confused. Today I feel ok with this. And despite any hurt, I feel stronger than ever!!!

Have a happy day!!

A little lost, but you know, that's ok

My goal: For the year and for life

I love this quote so much!

And this just warmed my little heart

I'm yearning to feel like this:

Side note: I love daisy's and the colour yellow =)

Yet somehow I feel myself feeling a little bit like this:

and definately like this:



I fear I may become a hermit. I feel that I need to get out more and party with my friends or I'll never get out of this. Yet I'm not sure if that will actually help.
Sometimes its better to feel. And then to move on.



Bascially, I'm still feeling pretty lost. But you know, that's ok.






Life is funny. It's weird to think I never used to feel like this. But to be honest I have felt like this rather a lot since I had my heart squashed. And you know what, that was actually quite some time ago now. The actual relationship feels like forever ago... yet this person keeps popping into my life. Making it harder for me, tearing at my heart and confusing my head. The relationship and the break-up feels like forever ago and I feel that I have changed so much since then. Yet it somehow still seems to pull at my heartstrings, and I don't like to think about it too much.


And this is on top of all the other confusion going on within my poor head.



I accidentally said the other day when I had my guard down, to someone that doesn't really know me at all.... maybe it felt safer that way. That I was secretly depressed. Now I don't actually think I'm depressed, I think I'm just struggling with the confusion of my life. The whirlwind of emotions I've been on.. for about the past 6 months really. But then a part of me wondered... it is a little bit like that. When I'm around others, I can't help but be happy, and I forget about the confusion, it's when I'm alone with my thoughts that things get tangled. But then sometimes I wonder... is it just a mask??


I started to wonder this when I came across this quote on someone's page: "She wears a smile and emotional bruises." Then I thought of another quote I once read... at the time I didn't quite understand. I don't remember it all but it ended with "Yea I'm smiling but inside I'm dying" and for some reason that always stuck with me.


That also brings me too the good old everyday question "How are you??" Working part time in retail and visiting other shop in my breaks or just generally shopping, the shop assistants always ask "Hi, how are you?". Generally perky and bubbly. Now working in retail, I know this is part of their job. And generally I don't care, but sometimes it just really annoys me. The expected answer as most would know is "Good thanks, how are you?". They don't really care. So why ask? I'm always tempted to respond with "horrible, thanks, but I'm surviving, how about you?" or just to burst out into tears.


(Note: Feeling this way, I don't ask customers how they are, simply may I help you? Or How are things today? - I find it more appropriate =p)


Most of the things in my past I'm fine with. In general I try not to regret things. With this person I sometimes wonder... if I could go back and change things, maybe I would. The thing is I can't. So where does that leave me? Moving on. Thats what. I turned down the chance to go back. I had been too hurt, it would hurt more to go back. Going back wasn't the same. It can never be the same.



So ultimately I chose to move on. Yet it is hard to see them also move on. But I feel it is right. If we hadn't broken up, I may never have gone to Paris, and had the time of my life! In a way, I am glad he freed me. I just don't like that he can still tear at my heart.


Thing is, I'm fairly confident that one day I will look back on all of this and smile. And maybe wonder why I wasted so much emotional energy. But you just don't know when that time will come.

I hope I'm not too scared too let my heart go through it again though. ..


So we carry on. and attempt to let go. and move on.

Ramble Over.

(Images delightfully discovered at www.weheartit.com)

How it should be

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous, than absolutely boring"

(http://weheartit.com/tag/daydreaming)

Letting Go...

I have been up and down a lot lately. But this weekend brought the smile back to my face. Hopefully it shall stay there for quite some time.

It was the end of daylight savings here... which means the official end to summer and the beginning of winter. Oh Boy. My third winter in a row, after spending the last 6 months in Europe. But at least our winters are no where near as bad as Europe's.

I have been attemptig to ignore this change in seasons and because it was such a beautiful day, my family went out on our boat.

It was, well a magical afternoon... for me at least. Going out with my family can be a little emotionally draining but it was perfect end of summer weather. It was like somehow I forgot how much I love the ocean. I can be a bit of a water baby and being near the water of some kind always uplifts my spirits. And this is exactly what happened.

Then this afternoon I drove home during sunset. I LOVE this time of day, it is just so magical, the sky always looks amazing. It tends to have a calming effect on me, it brings the sense of new adventures and new days.

And finally I was going through a bunch of my favourite quotes (I have a whole collection, and have discovered others who love quotes as much as I do on various blogs. Quotes always make my day, and can always lift my spirits, they just seem to know what your going through, and theres always one for anything your going through.)




(I'm sorry I don't remember where I got this from... I found it a few years ago on a website I stumbled upon.)

So I'm letting go of the past as much as I can.
It's time to move on. It may be scary, I may not know what I'm doing with my life so much at the moment, but I'm going to take it one day at a time, one goal at a time... starting with getting out of the debt I mounted up in Europe! Letting go is hard... but it needs to be done. If you don't let go, you get stuck in the past and can never really appreciate life right here, right now.

Make the little things count. And be HAPPY.

Love and hugs... Rebecca

OUch

Oh, how it hurts.

Even now, the ex and I have bursts of contact. And it hurts everytime. Yet I can't not. I don't know if it's simply because I just saw him, or if it's because I saw him with someone else.

Why do I still feel something?I let him know me better than anyone. .... In a way I can't believe I did this, as he can no longer be such a big part of my life, and it scares me so much to even think about doing that again. But I don't know if I would have it any other way either.

Why do you let someone keep coming into your life when it hurts.

The thing is, if we hadn't broken up, I don't know if I ever would have gone to Paris. And I know I've had some amazing experiences, things I would never trade anything for, yet somehow this still effects me. Still.

I wake up and feel lost. I wake up and wonder what it's all about. I wake up and wonder what I'm looking forward to. I wake up and wonder what I'm doing with my life. I wake up and wonder how I'm going to make a difference.

I hate that feeling. So Much. I haven't felt it since we first broke up. I hate that he can still have this impact on me.

I wake up, and I push it out of mind as much as possible and I think of what I DO have. And I remember that I love my life. That it will get better, that I trust time. And I look forward to the future, even though it does scare me at times, and because I love the adventure.

But why does it have to hurt so much sometimes.

The Games We Play

Just when I think I may be coming to terms with being back home and still struggling with feeling just a little lost. I run into the ex. At the train station. With a girl. Whom it turns out to be his new girlfriend. Can I say aw-kward.
Yep.. sorry, this is another ramble.

A brief history:

We have been broken up for over a year now. We had already broken up once before, so I guess technically we went out twice. I was pretty badly burnt when it happened. And if I’m truly honest with myself the second time we broke up I decided for sure that I was going to Paris on exchange. It sort of pushed me into it.
(It has always been something I’ve wanted to do…I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it).

It was a fairly messy breakup. Yet something always seemed to draw us back to one another, we never seemed to have absolutely no contact. No matter how much it might hurt me, I always seemed to go back for more.

It hurt more than I can say, though I’m sure many people have experienced heartbreak. But I had never felt like that before. I had always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one that ‘laughed at everything’, so it was quite a shock to the system.
In a way, Paris finally seemed like the clean break we both needed. I was so caught up with the adventure that I didn’t think that often of him.

Valentines day hit this year, and he sent me an email. I must admit that it was one of the most loveliest letters I have ever received. He said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, including that I had been the most influential person in his life. I was touched and honoured, I didn’t know he thought of me so highly.
I finally thought we were on the way to being friends… if being friends is even possible.

I was travelling at this time. So did not receive it or have time to reply. Within not receiving some form of reply within a week, I am a little sad to say, that I received a not so nice message from the ex. It annoyed me so much that I replied as soon as I saw it. He did apologise, but I just didn’t understand how the messages could be so contrasting.

So there I was aimlessly wandering down the train platform with a million thoughts of confusion going through my head. When BAM.

This new girl seemed nice enough; I simply thought she was a friend. I was a bit taken a back when the first thing she said was ‘oh my goodness, your THAT Rebecca’, and went on to exclaim ‘oh my gosh this is so exciting’ ‘you just came back from Paris right?’ ‘Wow, this is crazy!’.

Seeing the ex, was surprisingly ok and somewhat nice. I go to get on the train, turn around, expecting them to be following. Instead I see them in a, let’s say tender goodbye. And that’s how I found out she was his new girlfriend.

This then made me awkward, and I had a 40min train ride home with him. It then, of course, made me re-evaluate the whole conversation I had with them on the platform. She obviously knew who I was and I found it a little unfair that I had no idea who she was. What did she know about me? Why was I THAT Rebecca? What had he been saying about me? Why did she know who I was? She had obviously been feeling awkward around me, and as soon as I found out who she was, I felt incredibly awkward myself.

And now I have been obsessing.

And self-torturing. Not in the real self-torture way, don’t worry, in the obsessive over-thinking, facebook stalking kind of way.

I’m fairly confident that I don’t want him back. I so thought I was over him. But running into him, and his new girl, was a bit of a shock. I guess its always going to be weird to see someone you used to be so close to, with someone else.

I’m trying so hard to be the bigger person; I truly want him to be happy. But it brought out the insecure, self-doubting, slightly jealous girl in me. I’m trying to deal with it. But did it really have to happen when I was already feeling oh so lost??

Sometimes life just seems to really push you...

Glass Case of Emotion

Right now I’m feeling completely and utterly lost. I’m like a glass case of emotion. My emotions are so conflicted and all over the place. I don’t know if it’s just a funk I’m going through, fingers crossed it is and I snap out of it soon. Thing is, I don’t think people realise how much I feel stuck right now. I think people think I’m stronger than I really am… a part of me wishes I was that strong and I’m a little afraid to show that I’m not.

So, warning: because I am a glass case of emotion, this may become a reasonably long ramble. However as many of my friends have discovered I generally can't even write short emails!

I just arrived home a few weeks ago from a 6month student exchange in Paris, to call it an unbelievable experience is putting it mildly. Paris was more and nothing like I expected. The university was intense. But this is not so much about that experience but returning home, to my little world.

(However if you get the opportunity to go on an exchange

, it is an absolute MUST. It was an experience of a lifetime, and despite some difficulties I had over there, I wouldn’t swap the experience for anything, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat).

However coming home, I self-diagnosed myself with reverse culture shock. Ok 6months may not be that long to some people, but coming from little old NZ, still living at home, having never travlled by myself before it was a pretty adventurous, never racking, brave adventure.

Yet I came home to find thing not quite how I had remembered. Being away I did have moments of homesickness and on the plane home I was super excited to come home! I knew things would be different but somehow I was unable to mentally prepare myself for it.

Don’t get me wrong, it was exciting to come home! But then the change around me seemed to hit me in the face as a big welcome home. I suppose, I too have changed. Many of my friends have now finished university, many are now out in the big wide world, with their first jobs or internships, the kids that were year 9 when I was year 13 are now at university… I feel old to be there. And I still have a semester left and possibly an honours year… if I feel up to it.

My dear friend, we’ll call him Jar of Vegemite (haha in case he ever reads this, unlikely, but personal joke) moved away, about an hour and a half away… within driving distance but no longer 5min down the road distance. Ok he moved about a month before I went away, but I always knew I too was leaving, so it was ok =p and it never really hit me.

Many of my best friends are coupled up… some were before, or just before I left.. Again I’m just re-realising what this means.One of my best friends Pretty lovely has had A LOT going on, her mother is desperately sick, which I would wish on no-one, her brother and sister are both getting married, and her ex re-entered her life, causing chaos around her and her new relationship. She is one amazing lady, I LOVE her to bits. She is one of the strongest people I know, and sometimes I don’t think she realises how amazing she is and how she inspires me all the time.

Another of my best friends.. Miss Lou had also been overseas. Her bf went on an exchange and she followed him for 2months, she is a wonderful person, though I must admit I don’t always understand her attachment issues. She simply cannot bear to be away from her boy for very long. She has a confidence that inspires me. She is an incredible people person and will strike up random conversations with people, just the other day when trying to convince herself to buy a bag, she talked another girl into purchasing it as well! Completely accidentally.

I felt like my world had changed around me and yet I was back and I was now standing still. I am desperately trying to put the pieces together. As Jar of Vegemite put it, what I missed no longer exists, I missed the way things were when I left. Unfortunately just like me, they had to change too… 6months is a reasonable amount of time.. I do suppose.

Now that I look at it… in a way it was kinda like they prepared themselves for me leaving there lives for a little while and for that I am happy (or is that too much of a self-interested thought?)

To top it off, I desperately miss Paris, everything remotely French and all my amazing international friends so so much! It's like being trapped in the middle of two worlds.

Ironically… returning to work, I found that very little had changed! It was like I never left. This then made my 6month adventure feel like a dream. … So I was conflicted. Do I like change or do I not like change? I used to always think I liked change… but whenever change occurs that is out of my control, I don’t seem to deal so well.

Therefore I decided to embrace the changes or should I say, attempt to embrace the change. I’m still struggling as I try to find my new place in my little world...

Dear Life:

Dear Life:

After stumbling upon and reading some amazing girl’s blogs, I have decided to attempt to blog myself. I found them incredibly inspiring, encouraging and also comforting to know that there are many people out there going through similar things….

It's going to be my place to unload some emotional baggage... if no one ever reads it, thats fine by me, and if someone does stumble upon it and it has any way of uplifting their spirits, then that would be beyond amazing to me. I haven't told anyone about this, but for someone reason I feel the need to do this. It could possibly be the mood I'm in, craving all things new, coming home from an adventure and bewildered by the change surrounding me.

I love my friends to bits, and although I know they will always listen to me, sometimes I find myself wondering if I obsess about things too much. They always tell me its no problem (I have often found myself apologizing for ‘moaning’ to which they state I’m being silly) yet many of them have a lot going on in their own lives at the moment that I just can’t help to apologise and hate to think that I might add to their own burdens.

Throughout the last few months I have also found that no-one can REALLY understand unless they have been through the same thing. Or at the very least a similar situation. Sometimes all you want is for someone to sit there and listen to you patiently. At the same time someone that hasn’t been through what your going through can also offer an amazingly objective point of view.

So this is my attempt. It may be nothing amazing. I am not the most amazing writer and perhaps it is never read, but for some reason I felt the desire to do this. So please bear with me as I navigate my way.

This is my little story. Told from inside my little world.

Signed: Rebecca

New Beginnings...

"Beginnings are normally scary, endings normally sad but it’s the middle that counts the most."
-Hope Floats

So make your middle worth remembering.... go out and live your life. Live your life the way you want to live it, your the one who will have to remember it.