The Games We Play

Just when I think I may be coming to terms with being back home and still struggling with feeling just a little lost. I run into the ex. At the train station. With a girl. Whom it turns out to be his new girlfriend. Can I say aw-kward.
Yep.. sorry, this is another ramble.

A brief history:

We have been broken up for over a year now. We had already broken up once before, so I guess technically we went out twice. I was pretty badly burnt when it happened. And if I’m truly honest with myself the second time we broke up I decided for sure that I was going to Paris on exchange. It sort of pushed me into it.
(It has always been something I’ve wanted to do…I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it).

It was a fairly messy breakup. Yet something always seemed to draw us back to one another, we never seemed to have absolutely no contact. No matter how much it might hurt me, I always seemed to go back for more.

It hurt more than I can say, though I’m sure many people have experienced heartbreak. But I had never felt like that before. I had always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one that ‘laughed at everything’, so it was quite a shock to the system.
In a way, Paris finally seemed like the clean break we both needed. I was so caught up with the adventure that I didn’t think that often of him.

Valentines day hit this year, and he sent me an email. I must admit that it was one of the most loveliest letters I have ever received. He said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, including that I had been the most influential person in his life. I was touched and honoured, I didn’t know he thought of me so highly.
I finally thought we were on the way to being friends… if being friends is even possible.

I was travelling at this time. So did not receive it or have time to reply. Within not receiving some form of reply within a week, I am a little sad to say, that I received a not so nice message from the ex. It annoyed me so much that I replied as soon as I saw it. He did apologise, but I just didn’t understand how the messages could be so contrasting.

So there I was aimlessly wandering down the train platform with a million thoughts of confusion going through my head. When BAM.

This new girl seemed nice enough; I simply thought she was a friend. I was a bit taken a back when the first thing she said was ‘oh my goodness, your THAT Rebecca’, and went on to exclaim ‘oh my gosh this is so exciting’ ‘you just came back from Paris right?’ ‘Wow, this is crazy!’.

Seeing the ex, was surprisingly ok and somewhat nice. I go to get on the train, turn around, expecting them to be following. Instead I see them in a, let’s say tender goodbye. And that’s how I found out she was his new girlfriend.

This then made me awkward, and I had a 40min train ride home with him. It then, of course, made me re-evaluate the whole conversation I had with them on the platform. She obviously knew who I was and I found it a little unfair that I had no idea who she was. What did she know about me? Why was I THAT Rebecca? What had he been saying about me? Why did she know who I was? She had obviously been feeling awkward around me, and as soon as I found out who she was, I felt incredibly awkward myself.

And now I have been obsessing.

And self-torturing. Not in the real self-torture way, don’t worry, in the obsessive over-thinking, facebook stalking kind of way.

I’m fairly confident that I don’t want him back. I so thought I was over him. But running into him, and his new girl, was a bit of a shock. I guess its always going to be weird to see someone you used to be so close to, with someone else.

I’m trying so hard to be the bigger person; I truly want him to be happy. But it brought out the insecure, self-doubting, slightly jealous girl in me. I’m trying to deal with it. But did it really have to happen when I was already feeling oh so lost??

Sometimes life just seems to really push you...