Thoughts

I was at party this weekend, I heard things about the ex. It sounded like these people were talking about someone else. A person I didn't know. The things they said, it made me feel really sad for him. (ok, and maybe, just maybe a tiny tiny bit happy... yea I'm mean enough to admit that, I hope that you don't ever see this.)

In a way, it was good for me. I think once again, I'm at the acceptance point. Which is great, because I'm sick of you being part of the mask, I feel I'm wearing at the moment.

I've been doing some thinking and I (think) realised that I ended up running away from the pain that I felt. When me and the ex broke up, I finally decided to take that risk and go on a semseter exchange. I hate to think of this as running away, because it was something I had always wanted to do, so I'm not going to entirely say it was running away. I didn't think I was one to run away. But it gave me something to focus on, and then I went. And it was amazing. And for a while I never thought of you!

I really really thought I was over you. But seeing you with someone else, hit me. And it hurt all over again. I think it was simply me coming back to reality, and seeing you with someone else that made me obsess. Possibly more than I should of. More than anyone realises. That is part of the mask, I suppose. I feel I should not have obsessed this much.

I wish I was as strong as people thought I was.

Sometimes I used to wish I could forget you or that there had never been a 'hello' for there to be a 'goodbye'.

But you know, I don't regret the relationship I had with my ex, despite the pain I went through. He definatley made me stronger. Travelling on my own also made me stronger. I've learnt that I do deserve something amazing and that he didn't always treat me right. Actually a lot of the time. Though I wasn't perfect either.

Sometimes you have to remember what you deserve. Sometimes this gets forgotten. And sometimes your heart isn't always right.

Hahaha I'm totally going to steal the thought from 500 day of Summer (awesome movie!)- he wasn't my love story, he was my story about love.


I'm ready to focus on the rest of the craziness in my head. Or here's to trying =p

Doh

I didn't think of you today.

Then I made the mistake of realising this.

And by realising this, I had just thought of you.

Please go away now because I'm so sure that I'm ready for new adventures.

OUch

Oh, how it hurts.

Even now, the ex and I have bursts of contact. And it hurts everytime. Yet I can't not. I don't know if it's simply because I just saw him, or if it's because I saw him with someone else.

Why do I still feel something?I let him know me better than anyone. .... In a way I can't believe I did this, as he can no longer be such a big part of my life, and it scares me so much to even think about doing that again. But I don't know if I would have it any other way either.

Why do you let someone keep coming into your life when it hurts.

The thing is, if we hadn't broken up, I don't know if I ever would have gone to Paris. And I know I've had some amazing experiences, things I would never trade anything for, yet somehow this still effects me. Still.

I wake up and feel lost. I wake up and wonder what it's all about. I wake up and wonder what I'm looking forward to. I wake up and wonder what I'm doing with my life. I wake up and wonder how I'm going to make a difference.

I hate that feeling. So Much. I haven't felt it since we first broke up. I hate that he can still have this impact on me.

I wake up, and I push it out of mind as much as possible and I think of what I DO have. And I remember that I love my life. That it will get better, that I trust time. And I look forward to the future, even though it does scare me at times, and because I love the adventure.

But why does it have to hurt so much sometimes.

The Games We Play

Just when I think I may be coming to terms with being back home and still struggling with feeling just a little lost. I run into the ex. At the train station. With a girl. Whom it turns out to be his new girlfriend. Can I say aw-kward.
Yep.. sorry, this is another ramble.

A brief history:

We have been broken up for over a year now. We had already broken up once before, so I guess technically we went out twice. I was pretty badly burnt when it happened. And if I’m truly honest with myself the second time we broke up I decided for sure that I was going to Paris on exchange. It sort of pushed me into it.
(It has always been something I’ve wanted to do…I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it).

It was a fairly messy breakup. Yet something always seemed to draw us back to one another, we never seemed to have absolutely no contact. No matter how much it might hurt me, I always seemed to go back for more.

It hurt more than I can say, though I’m sure many people have experienced heartbreak. But I had never felt like that before. I had always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one that ‘laughed at everything’, so it was quite a shock to the system.
In a way, Paris finally seemed like the clean break we both needed. I was so caught up with the adventure that I didn’t think that often of him.

Valentines day hit this year, and he sent me an email. I must admit that it was one of the most loveliest letters I have ever received. He said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, including that I had been the most influential person in his life. I was touched and honoured, I didn’t know he thought of me so highly.
I finally thought we were on the way to being friends… if being friends is even possible.

I was travelling at this time. So did not receive it or have time to reply. Within not receiving some form of reply within a week, I am a little sad to say, that I received a not so nice message from the ex. It annoyed me so much that I replied as soon as I saw it. He did apologise, but I just didn’t understand how the messages could be so contrasting.

So there I was aimlessly wandering down the train platform with a million thoughts of confusion going through my head. When BAM.

This new girl seemed nice enough; I simply thought she was a friend. I was a bit taken a back when the first thing she said was ‘oh my goodness, your THAT Rebecca’, and went on to exclaim ‘oh my gosh this is so exciting’ ‘you just came back from Paris right?’ ‘Wow, this is crazy!’.

Seeing the ex, was surprisingly ok and somewhat nice. I go to get on the train, turn around, expecting them to be following. Instead I see them in a, let’s say tender goodbye. And that’s how I found out she was his new girlfriend.

This then made me awkward, and I had a 40min train ride home with him. It then, of course, made me re-evaluate the whole conversation I had with them on the platform. She obviously knew who I was and I found it a little unfair that I had no idea who she was. What did she know about me? Why was I THAT Rebecca? What had he been saying about me? Why did she know who I was? She had obviously been feeling awkward around me, and as soon as I found out who she was, I felt incredibly awkward myself.

And now I have been obsessing.

And self-torturing. Not in the real self-torture way, don’t worry, in the obsessive over-thinking, facebook stalking kind of way.

I’m fairly confident that I don’t want him back. I so thought I was over him. But running into him, and his new girl, was a bit of a shock. I guess its always going to be weird to see someone you used to be so close to, with someone else.

I’m trying so hard to be the bigger person; I truly want him to be happy. But it brought out the insecure, self-doubting, slightly jealous girl in me. I’m trying to deal with it. But did it really have to happen when I was already feeling oh so lost??

Sometimes life just seems to really push you...