A little lost, but you know, that's ok

My goal: For the year and for life

I love this quote so much!

And this just warmed my little heart

I'm yearning to feel like this:

Side note: I love daisy's and the colour yellow =)

Yet somehow I feel myself feeling a little bit like this:

and definately like this:



I fear I may become a hermit. I feel that I need to get out more and party with my friends or I'll never get out of this. Yet I'm not sure if that will actually help.
Sometimes its better to feel. And then to move on.



Bascially, I'm still feeling pretty lost. But you know, that's ok.






Life is funny. It's weird to think I never used to feel like this. But to be honest I have felt like this rather a lot since I had my heart squashed. And you know what, that was actually quite some time ago now. The actual relationship feels like forever ago... yet this person keeps popping into my life. Making it harder for me, tearing at my heart and confusing my head. The relationship and the break-up feels like forever ago and I feel that I have changed so much since then. Yet it somehow still seems to pull at my heartstrings, and I don't like to think about it too much.


And this is on top of all the other confusion going on within my poor head.



I accidentally said the other day when I had my guard down, to someone that doesn't really know me at all.... maybe it felt safer that way. That I was secretly depressed. Now I don't actually think I'm depressed, I think I'm just struggling with the confusion of my life. The whirlwind of emotions I've been on.. for about the past 6 months really. But then a part of me wondered... it is a little bit like that. When I'm around others, I can't help but be happy, and I forget about the confusion, it's when I'm alone with my thoughts that things get tangled. But then sometimes I wonder... is it just a mask??


I started to wonder this when I came across this quote on someone's page: "She wears a smile and emotional bruises." Then I thought of another quote I once read... at the time I didn't quite understand. I don't remember it all but it ended with "Yea I'm smiling but inside I'm dying" and for some reason that always stuck with me.


That also brings me too the good old everyday question "How are you??" Working part time in retail and visiting other shop in my breaks or just generally shopping, the shop assistants always ask "Hi, how are you?". Generally perky and bubbly. Now working in retail, I know this is part of their job. And generally I don't care, but sometimes it just really annoys me. The expected answer as most would know is "Good thanks, how are you?". They don't really care. So why ask? I'm always tempted to respond with "horrible, thanks, but I'm surviving, how about you?" or just to burst out into tears.


(Note: Feeling this way, I don't ask customers how they are, simply may I help you? Or How are things today? - I find it more appropriate =p)


Most of the things in my past I'm fine with. In general I try not to regret things. With this person I sometimes wonder... if I could go back and change things, maybe I would. The thing is I can't. So where does that leave me? Moving on. Thats what. I turned down the chance to go back. I had been too hurt, it would hurt more to go back. Going back wasn't the same. It can never be the same.



So ultimately I chose to move on. Yet it is hard to see them also move on. But I feel it is right. If we hadn't broken up, I may never have gone to Paris, and had the time of my life! In a way, I am glad he freed me. I just don't like that he can still tear at my heart.


Thing is, I'm fairly confident that one day I will look back on all of this and smile. And maybe wonder why I wasted so much emotional energy. But you just don't know when that time will come.

I hope I'm not too scared too let my heart go through it again though. ..


So we carry on. and attempt to let go. and move on.

Ramble Over.

(Images delightfully discovered at www.weheartit.com)

OUch

Oh, how it hurts.

Even now, the ex and I have bursts of contact. And it hurts everytime. Yet I can't not. I don't know if it's simply because I just saw him, or if it's because I saw him with someone else.

Why do I still feel something?I let him know me better than anyone. .... In a way I can't believe I did this, as he can no longer be such a big part of my life, and it scares me so much to even think about doing that again. But I don't know if I would have it any other way either.

Why do you let someone keep coming into your life when it hurts.

The thing is, if we hadn't broken up, I don't know if I ever would have gone to Paris. And I know I've had some amazing experiences, things I would never trade anything for, yet somehow this still effects me. Still.

I wake up and feel lost. I wake up and wonder what it's all about. I wake up and wonder what I'm looking forward to. I wake up and wonder what I'm doing with my life. I wake up and wonder how I'm going to make a difference.

I hate that feeling. So Much. I haven't felt it since we first broke up. I hate that he can still have this impact on me.

I wake up, and I push it out of mind as much as possible and I think of what I DO have. And I remember that I love my life. That it will get better, that I trust time. And I look forward to the future, even though it does scare me at times, and because I love the adventure.

But why does it have to hurt so much sometimes.

The Games We Play

Just when I think I may be coming to terms with being back home and still struggling with feeling just a little lost. I run into the ex. At the train station. With a girl. Whom it turns out to be his new girlfriend. Can I say aw-kward.
Yep.. sorry, this is another ramble.

A brief history:

We have been broken up for over a year now. We had already broken up once before, so I guess technically we went out twice. I was pretty badly burnt when it happened. And if I’m truly honest with myself the second time we broke up I decided for sure that I was going to Paris on exchange. It sort of pushed me into it.
(It has always been something I’ve wanted to do…I just didn’t know if I was brave enough to do it).

It was a fairly messy breakup. Yet something always seemed to draw us back to one another, we never seemed to have absolutely no contact. No matter how much it might hurt me, I always seemed to go back for more.

It hurt more than I can say, though I’m sure many people have experienced heartbreak. But I had never felt like that before. I had always been the happy-go-lucky girl, the one that ‘laughed at everything’, so it was quite a shock to the system.
In a way, Paris finally seemed like the clean break we both needed. I was so caught up with the adventure that I didn’t think that often of him.

Valentines day hit this year, and he sent me an email. I must admit that it was one of the most loveliest letters I have ever received. He said some of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, including that I had been the most influential person in his life. I was touched and honoured, I didn’t know he thought of me so highly.
I finally thought we were on the way to being friends… if being friends is even possible.

I was travelling at this time. So did not receive it or have time to reply. Within not receiving some form of reply within a week, I am a little sad to say, that I received a not so nice message from the ex. It annoyed me so much that I replied as soon as I saw it. He did apologise, but I just didn’t understand how the messages could be so contrasting.

So there I was aimlessly wandering down the train platform with a million thoughts of confusion going through my head. When BAM.

This new girl seemed nice enough; I simply thought she was a friend. I was a bit taken a back when the first thing she said was ‘oh my goodness, your THAT Rebecca’, and went on to exclaim ‘oh my gosh this is so exciting’ ‘you just came back from Paris right?’ ‘Wow, this is crazy!’.

Seeing the ex, was surprisingly ok and somewhat nice. I go to get on the train, turn around, expecting them to be following. Instead I see them in a, let’s say tender goodbye. And that’s how I found out she was his new girlfriend.

This then made me awkward, and I had a 40min train ride home with him. It then, of course, made me re-evaluate the whole conversation I had with them on the platform. She obviously knew who I was and I found it a little unfair that I had no idea who she was. What did she know about me? Why was I THAT Rebecca? What had he been saying about me? Why did she know who I was? She had obviously been feeling awkward around me, and as soon as I found out who she was, I felt incredibly awkward myself.

And now I have been obsessing.

And self-torturing. Not in the real self-torture way, don’t worry, in the obsessive over-thinking, facebook stalking kind of way.

I’m fairly confident that I don’t want him back. I so thought I was over him. But running into him, and his new girl, was a bit of a shock. I guess its always going to be weird to see someone you used to be so close to, with someone else.

I’m trying so hard to be the bigger person; I truly want him to be happy. But it brought out the insecure, self-doubting, slightly jealous girl in me. I’m trying to deal with it. But did it really have to happen when I was already feeling oh so lost??

Sometimes life just seems to really push you...